So you've bought the albums, worn the T-shirt, and in all likelihood fantasised about your future marriage or life-long friendship with your beloved Rock Star. You are in your twenties, even thirties, but can't quite bring yourself to chuck out those tatty posters in favour of more tasteful, framed, expensive wall-candy. You slyly Google the target of your affections at every opportunity when your boss is not in the room, and your colleagues aren't looking. Sound familiar?
You, my friend, are one of an elite few; those of us who still obsess like teenagers, who just want that little bit extra from our Rock Stars, who can't quite ditch the dream that one day we will be scooped up on to that tour bus and travel the world, flipping the birdie to our boss as we drive away into the sunset, beer in hand, rock 'n' roll lifestyle ahead.
And more often than not, we don't want to sleep with them. Oh no. It's much worse. We want to be their friend. A far more terrifying prospect for any poor innocent Rock Star.
For all of you who have read the above, and instead of (quite rightly) fleeing the page have felt like we have got you completely pegged, then rejoice. For I am here to tell you that meeting your Rock Star isn't as hard as you think. There are, of course, conditions:
You have two options when it comes to meeting your Rock Star; before the gig, and after the gig has finished. Reaching your target during the day is more difficult, but is damn well attainable. For a start, you need to stake out your venue. Go inside and have a snoop around. The band may even just be hanging around. If not, find their dressing room! FYI, the dressing room in Manchester Academy is on the second floor, at the end of a corridor. Also FYI, there is nobody stopping you going down that particular corridor until doors open at 7pm when they put a barrier and a security guy there. At worst, there are student staff wandering around, but they really don't give a shit, in fact, they can be quite helpful in telling you if the band is in the building.
Loitering outside the dressing room almost always results in a victory. I've never encountered any hostility via this method, although you may want to research your Rock Star before invading their space uninvited. Trust me though, at 7pm you are screwed. I've tried the sneaky dash tactic, and always been caught.
If you can't find the dressing room, then stake out the tour bus. Chat to roadies, the bus driver, the support bands. They'll most likely be friendly and could even get you a backstage pass if your ultra-lucky. But this is unlikely. Best bet is to use this time to find out where the band currently are, or where they will be after the gig. In Manchester, at the Acedemy, this WILL be Big Hands.
If you've actually made it to the gig with no luck (and I hope that in your desperation you at least scoured the local bars by this point), and you are female, then you may yet have a shot. Get yourself to the front and make yourself known. This only really has a chance at gigs where the majority of the clientele is male. But it has happened to me once. After giving up hope, at the end of a gig, the roadie jumped off the stage and gave me and my friend a backstage pass each. Just like that. And just because we were the only girls. Foolish roadie! We are not groupies! We just want your friendship!
If it's the end of the gig, the dedicated Rock Star Stalker should be legging it out of the venue and to the tour bus. Often, shy bands will retreat immediately to their tour buses, never to emerge. It is your job to beat them to it! Other less-shy bands will take their time in coming out, so you need to be prepared to wait for a while. Always wait by the tour bus, and always make sure you know which is their tour bus. Also, make sure you have been to the toilet. I have waited two hours before now.
The waiting-by-the-bus method is almost a sure thing for meeting your hero. If it's getting late and you want to bail, give yourself one last shot by going to Big Hands, or your nearest bar in whichever place you're in. Almost all bands will go on to a bar, even if it's just a couple of members.
Once you meet your Rock Star, it is up to you to charm the pants off them. The furthest me and my partner in crime got was an invitation on to the tour bus, followed by a trip to a club, followed by free tickets and VIP passes for the next gig. Yes, we were that good. We rocked at Rock Star Stalking. It took practice, but we got there. And the high you get from a successful Stalk is amazing.
If you've read this far into this article, then you must want it badly, and are therefore destined to join the Stalking Elite. So go forth, my friends, and fulfil your potentials. Go forth and stalk.
What next?More features? More rock?